Plans change. Expectations fail.
The next thing we know, the wind starts to blow in a different direction. And it takes us to an unexpected place where a difficult situation or a daunting task awaits us.
I found myself in that place. It was unexpected and unplanned. But I have learned to adjust my sails. I have found a way to deal with the changing direction of the wind.
Long before I had Gabriel, I prayed to God every night to grant me a healthy and good child. How many young women my age would pray for such thing at that time? Some would pray for a stable job, for a good man, or for huge fortune, but I prayed for a child. I guess the reason was because during my teens, I was diagnosed to have hormonal imbalance. I was so afraid about not having a child.
And then I gave birth to Gabriel. I remembered so well the first time I held him. He was so cute and fragile. I remembered so well how I gently traced my finger along his cute cheeks and how he turned towards it. He was hungry.
I remembered everything so well... the anticipation while waiting for the nurse to bring him in my hospital room. My husband and mom were both there. Both were filled with overwhelming excitement. We all had high hopes for Gabriel and from that day on, I knew that my life already belongs to him.
Taking care of baby Gabriel was filled with sleepless nights. The adjustments were crazy. But we managed. Immunizations. Check ups. Everything that normal parents would do to make sure that their baby is perfectly fine and healthy.
And then came one hospital stay after another. Inguinal hernia operation. Seizures. Infection. Fever. Allergies. Etc. Etc. Etc.
But wait! There's more...
CT Scan. MRI. EEG. Metabolic Screening. Electrolyte Testing. Blood Tests. Urine Test. Cerebrospinal Fluid test. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Fast forward to present... my mind (which, by the way, is always out of tune) sings; "what a journey it has been. but the end is not in sight... but the stars are out tonight. and they're bound to guide my way"
Staring at my Gabriel, I can't believe everything we've been through. That crazy and stressful journey we had was unbelievable... unbearable at some point.
Before I even had the chance to gather up what's left of me, there... written all over the place and with all its splendor -- TIME TO ADJUST SAILS.
Everything we've planned dissolved into thin air and I realized just how much we've lost and how much we had to give up.
Now, I finally know what "adjusting sails" meant. By doing so, I had come face-to-face with valuable lessons in life which taught me a lot.
I have learned to change my direction.
I have learned to adjust my standards based on what I have and don't have.
Gabriel's condition has given me a lot of limitations. It changed me. And yes, my life is no longer mine. But it goes on. and on. and on.
Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o maiiyak.
We plan. God laughs.
Because indeed, sometimes, things do not always turn out the way we want them to. We can go on hoping and praying for an apple without even knowing that an orange is what's meant for us. (Not even lemons). Whatever will be, will be.
It's called destiny. Fate. Because "what's for you won't pass you by".
P.S. Akala ko noon isang tambling na lang makukuha ko na yung gusto ko. Pero hindi parin pala.
Parang wi-fi lang ng kapitbahay mo yan eh. Just when you thought naka-connect ka na at nakaka-surf ng libre, they protect it with password. Patay!
Nakakaloka. Pero keri lang.
*** Some images used in this blog were copied from other sources. Credits to photo owners.
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