I Love Gabriel Because...

...he's my angel

...he's everything I am

...he makes me feel loved, needed and important

...his love is pure

...he changed me

...he is my own...

i love Gabriel because... I don't need to have a reason to love him.
I just do. 

there are countless reasons why I love Gabriel. I can go on and on and still won't find everything I've thought of, said and written enough to describe how I feel for him. 

I love him from the depths of my heart.

I love him beyond words, beyond feelings and beyond everything else. 

Gabriel is my special child...and my only child. He has given me a unique and extraordinary experience called special motherhood. It is unlike any other - because it is special. Unique. Noteworthy. Challenging. 

Gabriel is the only person in this world who can change me. He is also the only one capable of making me discover the length of patience I never knew I had. 

Gabriel can make me feel everything - 

love and hate, 

hope and despair, 

calmness and anger, 

anticipation and disappointment, 

strength and exhaustion, 

excitement and discouragement... 

...the list goes on...

It's amazing how much feelings and emotions a person is capable of. 

Having a special child requires strength - a great amount of it. It is something that I'm trying to develop within me. It can sometimes be distracting to endure the stares, the questions and the odd looks on people's faces every time they see a special child. 

Going out can be very challenging and it really does require a great deal of courage and strength, both physically and emotionally. 

Yes, I do have questions. It happens a lot. Up to now, I'm still asking "why?" ... there are countless questions that need to be answered and for someone like me, just "letting it be" seems to be not enough. 

At this point, I'm no longer asking for comfort. 
I just want Gabriel to be accepted and to be loved.

I also want to be understood and to be around people who are kind and sincere.

I am trying my best to be strong. And honestly, I'm quite amazed at how far I've already gone. 

Chronicles of a Grand Slam Best Actress

Being a mom of a special child is a challenging role to play. I have learned to master the art of "dedma" (ignoring the world) and as of now, I'm still trying to learn how to numb my feelings and tame my emotions. Other moms can go on talking about how their child's first day of school was, and I would only listen, smile and pretend that my heart is not breaking over the fact that I cannot share a similar experience. So what if I'm missing on a lot of things as a mom. I'm still a mom - I have a child.

Taken in 2006 - Dubai, UAE

My situation also allowed me to discover the inner strength and patience that I never knew existed in me. My son had been in the Pediatric ICU twice, had been confined in the hospital for God-knows-how-many-times already, had been rushed to the E.R. for God-knows-how-many-times already, had gone through a series of diagnostic tests (and all sorts of tests known and unknown to man) for God-knows-how-many-times already, had too many blood tests, urine tests, drug assays, eye test, ear tests, child psychology test etc., had been operated at 2 months for inguinal hernia, had his leg put on traction and cast when he was 3 y/o due to complete leg fracture, had widespread skin allergies, suffered from 12 (or 14, or even more) seizures in a single day at some point, had asthma attacks, metabolic acidosis, drug-induced hepatitis, dermatitis, asthma, allergic rhinitis, I'm not sure if I missed anything. MRI, CT Scan, X-Rays -I've seen them all. 

At present, his right leg is on cast. I don't know why or how his distal femur got fractured again. Is it because of the recent strong seizure he had that caused strong muscular pull / contraction? This is the second incident already. The first time (4 years ago), he also had a seizure and the next thing we knew, there was a complete fracture with displacement on the distal 3rd of his left femur. So this feels like some sort of "deja vu"... only this time, it's the right thigh that's affected. 

Gabriel's right leg in a cast - 3/1/2014

        

(Left) Gabriel's left leg on weight traction to align his left femur - 2009                 

(Right) Gabriel's left leg in a cast after 2 weeks of leg traction - 2009.       

             All set to go home after 2 weeks of hospital stay due to left distal femoral fracture - 2009                           

The pediatric resident told us that he may have brittle bones. But now I'm quite definite that the strong seizures are what's causing his distal femurs to be fractured. Could be because of the sudden strong pull /contraction of thigh muscles caused by the tonic phase of his generalized seizures. During this phase of his seizure, he is always very stiff. Doctors say that this is unlikely, but how many times have I already proven them wrong with their judgement and opinions? Being the primary caregiver of my son, I know and I feel. That is why it upsets me every time I encounter incompetent doctors (particularly residents) who are only good at talking.

Indeed, raising a special child requires resilience - the circumstances can bend, shake and sway me, but I should not break - not by any means.

Some mothers would drive their kids to school in the morning, or take them out to play in the park. I can only watch my son sleep and wait for him to wake up and hope that he will wake up happy, without a seizure episode (or breakthrough seizure)...every single day. (Because he usually have seizures when he's asleep or about to wake up or upon waking up). No one can imagine the fear and worry I have to endure every single morning, or whenever he sleeps during the day. Gabriel waking up in the morning without a seizure and smiling is a blessing already. It's the closest thing I know to winning big time in the lottery.

Still, regardless of how strong and resilient I've become through the years, there comes a time when I find myself on the verge of breaking down. I would always remind myself that "it will all get better in time." (Konting tiis pa)

Credits to the photo owner & author of this quote

It will all get better in time.